Why do I Seek Affairs with Married Men?

The Reason for Affairs

“Jenny was 32 and single and began an affair with a married man six months ago. She was an attractive, talented lawyer but felt unhappy for a variety of reasons. She felt enormous frustration about how she had managed to get herself into this situation when on many levels she had everything going for her.”

There are a variety of reasons why people might seek affairs with married men or women. In the majority of cases these affairs are related to a person’s past experiences and are a means of acting out repressed emotions. These include a need for revenge, apathy, lust or low self worth. Whatever the motives for embarking on an affair with a married person, the solution lies in discovering the cause of these strong desires which are often beyond the understanding of most people caught up in these situations. This is where relationship coaching can be a useful tool.

Why Do Some People Seek Affairs?

Deep rooted psychological issues from childhood are often quoted as potential reasons to seek affairs with married men or women e.g growing up with an absent father, or the desire to keep a relationship passionate, makes the non committal nature of an affair with a married person more appealing. What is evident, however, is that most people end up feeling unfulfilled by these types of relationships, but cannot work out why they seem to go for same types of relationship each time.

Desire to Change Relationship Patterns

Effective counselling is useful in helping those who want to understand the reasons behind their behaviour. This is not about apportioning blame, which is often the worse thing to do, as there can be a multitude of factors that have led you down this path. It could be that there are aspects of your current life that are unfulfilling and causing you concern. Whatever the reasons, discussing your issues with a qualified therapist is the first positive step towards a resolution and can bring about a new self awareness that can change your life forever.

Next Steps

If you’d like to discuss this further or learn more about how Alix Needham hypnotherapy can help you, please do get in touch.

I can offer sessions in-house at my central London clinic or new via online hypnotherapy sessions.

Further Reading on Relationship Issues

Online Hypnotherapy for Relationship Issues

Why do married people have affairs?

Should I End My Relationship?

What’s Causing Low Self Esteem?

How to Move on from a Relationship

Alix Needham

My techniques guarantee that you remain in control at every session. These techniques, developed over 25 years, are so effective that many issues can be addressed in as little as three sessions and my location in the very heart of London means you can book sessions to work around work.

Healing Abandonment Issues and Fear of Rejection
Abandonment issues is a term used to describe a fear or anxiety surrounding rejection or loneliness. It’s one of the most common and universal fears I see in my clients. When people struggle with fear of abandonment, it can affect their decisions and actions in a negative way. Many of my clients don’t actually realise that this is what’s troubling them. Often it manifests as something else – arguments in relationships, jealousy, low confidence, procrastination, emotional unavailability – these are just a few examples. The key is understanding this fear within yourself, processing it and overcoming it so that it doesn’t hold you back any longer. The Psychology Behind Fearing Abandonment To be with others is a common, although not universal, desire. Loneliness can be difficult and emotionally draining. However, a fear of abandonment is more about fearing the possibility of future loneliness even whilst you are with others. For example, being in a relationship whilst simultaneously being obsessed with the idea that they will leave you. Fear of abandonment is completely natural. In our evolutionary past, being accepted by our social group was integral to our survival. Humans were much safer and more successful living in groups. Being ostracised by this group could have dire consequences for an individual. This isn’t as true now, but still most humans crave acceptance and company. However, we need to make sure that our minds realise the consequences of being rejected are not what they used to be. In fact, rejection can sometimes be a good thing. What Causes Abandonment Issues? Early childhood issues are one of the biggest contributors to adults’ abandonment issues. Traumatic events such as parents’ divorce, death or poor care can all contribute. There’s physical abandonment like death or divorce, but also emotional abandonment which is a bit more complex. This tends to happen when parents discourage emotional expression, ridicule the child, put too much pressure on them or treat them like a peer. When parents fail to provide a child with consistent attention and comfort they can become stressed, anxious and fearful. Another cause of abandonment issues can be the loss of a partner through death, painful breakup or infidelity. Attachment Styles When talking about abandonment issues many people refer to different types of attachment styles. There are three insecure attachment styles which are relevant. You may recognise one or more in yourself or a partner. Avoidant Attachment The first is an avoidant attachment style where people simply avoid letting anyone get close to them. These people may be described as emotionally distant, withdrawn or private. Often this is just a defence against putting themselves in a position where they may have to face loss again. Anxious Attachment These people tend to develop extremely intense and close relationships with a partner and become anxious at any type of separation. Small conflicts are automatically blown out of proportion and seen as a warning sign that the other person may leave. A partner may feel like they have to constantly reassure the person or ‘tread on eggshells’ all the time. Disorganised Attachment These people are often inconsistent, wanting closeness but also having problems with intimacy. They may often appear to be on edge and unsure how to act. What Are You Really Afraid Of? It’s completely natural to fear being alone. Sometimes we think we don’t want to be alone but we’re actually masking another fear or anxiety. For example, we feel like being alone may cause us to miss out on other activities, damage our friendships or make us vulnerable. Some people are afraid of the conflict associated with rejection rather than the final result. How Does Abandonment Fear Affect My Relationship? Being very anxious about a partner leaving usually has a negative effect on the relationship and a person’s behaviour within it. Although it’s good not to become complacent in a partnership, when anxiety becomes consuming or overwhelming we become fixated on it and start to lose perspective. Anxiety breeds jealousy and mistrust and can make people very demanding of their partner. They might place unrealistically high expectations on the other person and relationship. Some people become very needy and start arguments which can then lead to a self fulfilling prophecy as they push their partner away. Other people internalise the fear and become emotionally unavailable towards potential or existing partners, unable to communicate their fears and vulnerabilities. Signs of Attachment Issues There are some relationship patterns which could potentially be signs of attachment issues. Numerous shallow relationships or clinging to one long, intense oneSelf-sabotageEmotional unavailabilityWillingness to stay in unhealthy relationshipsEagerness to please others at expense of own well beingCodependant relationships Needy behaviourPeople pleasingDistrust and jealousyAnxiety and panic attacksFeeling insecureExhibiting manipulative and controlling behaviourFearing rejection and being risk averse when it comes to relationships How to Overcome the Fear of Abandonment If you believe your partner may have abandonment issues you might want to try and talk to them about it in a gentle way. Avoid too much pressure as this will make them feel guarded. Try to be supportive and reassuring without making the situation too intense. Validate their feelings whilst making it clear how their behaviours affect you. Keep communication open and honest. Couples therapy or seeing a relationship coach are two extremely effective ways to help someone with abandonment issues overcome them and prevent them from negatively affecting their current relationships. Alix Needham – London Hypnotherapy, Relationship Coaching and Couples Therapy Alix Needham has years of experience helping people with these issues. Her therapy clinic is located right in the centre of London or she can provide online sessions at your convenience. Alix is well-known in the industry for her experience, friendliness and effectiveness. Please do get in touch to learn more about how she could help you. Book Now
The Truth About Being Emotionally Unavailable & How to Open Up
Emotional availability means being able to express your feelings and needs in a way that allows others to respond appropriately, builds intimacy and deepens relationships. We all have different levels of emotionally availability and there is no right or wrong. However, when someone becomes very emotionally unavailable it can negatively affect their relationships, especially if their partner is more emotionally open. If an emotionally unavailable person has learnt coping mechanisms which involve keeping people at a distance, avoiding intimacy or mistreating others, then they can be closing themselves off from potentially positive relationships. What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean? To be emotionally unavailable is to be uncomfortable or unwilling to express authentic emotions towards another person. This person may find it difficult to handle or express their feelings, particularly in response to another person’s needs or cues. Emotional unavailability might not always be easy to spot and can manifest in different ways. If you think you or your partner might have these kind of tendencies, read on to discover more about the causes, signs and potential next steps. What Causes Emotional Unavailability? There are several reasons why people become emotionally unavailable. One reason is that they may be afraid of being rejected or hurting others. Another reason is that they may fear losing control of themselves. They may also believe that they will lose respect from others if they show their true feelings. This type of behaviour is usually learned during childhood and is often linked to a person’s attachment style. If you are raised in a family who tends not to be overt with emotions, you may not feel comfortable when faced with them in later life. Or you may not effectively pick up on people’s emotional cues or know how to handle very intense situations. Other causes include a negative relationship experience such as being cheated on or experiencing a painful breakup. Sometimes the cause is previous trauma, conditions like depression or stress or simply a person’s circumstances and priorities. Although some emotionally unavailable people can exhibit hurtful, confusing or misleading behaviour, they are not bad people. Their actions are often coping mechanisms designed to navigate situations that unsettle them, that they don’t understand, or that they don’t feel comfortable with. Not everyone wants to be emotionally vulnerable and this is OK. However, in a relationship, unless you are both on the same page, it can cause issues. Is My Partner Emotionally Unavailable or Just Not Interested? One of the reasons why many of my clients want to discuss issues related to emotional unavailability is because it can be upsetting and stressful for the other person. If one person wants a deeper emotional connection and feels their needs are not being met, it puts pressure on the other person. This often pushes them further away if the couple are struggling with communication and not meeting each other halfway. Emotionally unavailable partners can come across as uncaring, aloof, distant, dishonest and even cruel. Some questions to ask yourself when considering if your relationship shows markers of one person being emotionally unavailable… 1) Do they listen when you talk?2) Do you feel comfortable talking to them about personal issues?3) Are you able to share your thoughts and feelings without feeling judged?4) Do you feel safe enough to express yourself?5) Do you feel respected by them?6) Do you feel valued by them? 7) Do you feel loved by them? You should still feel that underneath all the issues the person does care for you, even though they don’t always show it in the way you would like. If you are the one who is constantly pushing and reaching you may need to take a step back and ask why. How much can your partner reasonably change? If this is a repeated pattern for you it might be worth exploring why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners. What are the Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner? The term ’emotionally unavailable’ is a blanket term and has actually come into use reasonably recently. It is used to describe a set of behaviours that show a person struggles with emotional and close connection. Although, of course, everyone is different and not every person will have every sign. Vague or Complete Denial of Feelings A partner who isn’t very in tune with their emotions may be very vague about what they are feeling. Perhaps they just mirror your emotions back to you or remain very non-committal. They may also completely deny they feel anything at all. You’ll probably hear them say they are ‘fine’ a lot and they will probably avoid conflict at all costs. It can be very frustrating feeling as though you aren’t getting anything at all and usually just makes you more frustrated or upset. Contradicting or Inconsistent Behaviour Does your partner or potential date often say one thing and do another? Maybe they say they want to meet but then seem to avoid actually setting a date? They might flash hot and cold seeming ultra keen one day then distant the next. Perhaps they stay up texting you all night but when it comes to getting together the next day they would rather see their mates. Or maybe you see them all the time but when you ask to put a label on your relationship they panic. Dismissive In order to avoid focus on their emotions, an emotionally unavailable partner might try and dismiss yours. They may say you’re over sensitive or over reacting, exhibiting classic gaslighting behaviour. They may blame you in order to avoid responsibility or admit guilt themselves. In some cases emotionally unavailable people prefer to date multiple people, keeping their options open and maintaining surface level relationships. They may cheat and lie and become defensive if things start to get too deep. Disengaged or Checked Out Many people who struggle with deep connections turn to other things as a distraction or protective barrier. This could include technology like mobile phones, substance abuse like drugs or alcohol or […]
How to Improve a Relationship Struggling Since Lockdown
There were many changes during the Covid lockdown that put a strain on our relationships. Now, some things have returned to normal many are finding their relationship feels different. At a loss, couples are seeking help to uncover why things have changed and how they can regain their lost connection. If you would like to know how to improve a relationship that’s been struggling since lockdown, read on. Break From Negativity Covid was a difficult time filled with upsetting and anxiety inducing news. We were surrounded by negativity, and things aren’t getting much better fast. So, we need to find a way to be positive even when times are difficult. Partners ideally support in terms of negativity but this can become exhausting. Finding positivity and happiness in each other’s company is key. It can definitely be harder for relationships to feel fun, carefree or spontaneous when life is particularly hard. Try taking a break from the outside world and focusing on each other. For a while, pretend that there’s nothing else to worry about other than what you’ll have for dinner or which film to watch. Communicate with each other about the things you’re grateful for and focus on the positives of your life together. Similarly it’s easy to focus on the negative aspects of your partner and the things you want to change, but make sure you give equal attention to the positive. Familiarity and Boredom After spending such a lot of time under each other’s feet without access to our normal distractions and hobbies, many couples found the dynamics of their relationship changed. Most people need their own space and pursuits to give them perspective, release stress and even out their lives. This time alone made the time spent with our partners more special, but after being with someone 24/7 for so long many people found that the familiarity, stress and boredom took the spark out of their relationship. With many of us still working from home this is an ongoing problem. Try and separate the mundane necessities and frustrations of everyday life with your partner when enjoying some quality time together. On date night, try and stick to fun subjects. Reminisce about the past or plan some exciting things for the future, Share Time & Experiences One of the issues during Covid was that we found ourselves trapped in the same environment doing the same things every day. We had little new stimulation to spark conversations. Shared new experiences are fantastic for relationships. This is one of the issues many couples share when a new baby comes and they are unable to get out and spend time together as much as before. Romantic rituals like dates and holidays are sorely missed. It’s a general rule of happiness that experiences usually make us happier than objects. Overcome Exhaustion Covid has taken it’s toll and things are still difficult. Whether it’s the health anxiety, financial strain or increased stress or working from home, physical and mental exhaustion can make us feel less inclined towards romance and sex. Discuss your feelings openly and prioritise self care. Simple touching serves to enhance a loving relationship. Make a concerted effort to re-establish closeness. Add small, loving physical gestures to each day. Communication The over-familiarity and routine bred during Covid meant we didn’t have that end of the day conversation so easily where we checked in with the other person and how their day went. It’s just as important to check in with the other person’s thoughts and feelings so try and keep communication alive. If tensions are rising, effective communication is the best way to work out problems. Try using I statements rather than you statements, not placing blame on the other person and focusing on your feelings rather than their shortcomings. Seek Relationship Help Suddenly being with each other 24/7, working from home, the stress of childcare and home schooling, the lack of opportunities for socialising with friends or going out on dates. All of these put pressure on romantic relationships. Are you wondering how to improve your relationship? The key is learning new communication skills for bringing you closer together. Relationships suffer from a variety of issues such as family or work stress. However, for all concerned, a loving relationship is beneficial. For more help visit my couples counselling page or contact me directly to learn more about how I can help. Further Reading on Improving Relationships Online Hypnotherapy for Relationship Issues How Hypnotherapy Can Save Your Relationship 9 Secrets of a Great Relationship Are You Always Playing the Rescuer in Relationships? Relationship Therapy Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble
How to Get Over a Breakup
Recovering from a relationship breakup can be difficult. It’s a painful journey that many people go through at some point during their lives. For this reason, many of my clients ask me how to get over a breakup. Steps to Moving On Whatever caused the relationship to end, the fact is that life goes on. Although you may feel hurt and upset, the sooner you regain control of your life the better you will feel. For some this is easier said than done. Through years of experience helping people recover from divorce and separation, I have come up with some tips to help you move forward and regain faith in yourself. Taking Care of Yourself You will begin to feel better emotionally by feeling better physically. So move your focus away from your loss and start taking care of you. Try keeping to a healthy routine that includes plenty of physical exercise, regular well-balanced meals and good sleep practices. Even though you might feel tempted to drown your sorrows or bury them with junk food, the hangovers, dehydration and sugar crashes will only make you feel worse. Read a new book, have fun days out with friends or lose yourself in a hobby. Are all great ways to take care of yourself and start feeling better. Processing Your Emotions Denying your emotions and how you feel may be a quick fix, but the relief is only temporary. Eventually these feelings will surface. Help yourself to process your hurt by writing down how you feel, or talking to someone you trust. In doing so, you will distance yourself from the raw feelings. Accept and acknowledge these painful emotions and remind yourself that they won’t last forever, and they do not define who you are. Challenging Negative Thinking We all feel negative from time to time, but dealing with the loss of a relationship can make this much worse. To prevent yourself getting dragged down by your negative thoughts, be aware when one comes to mind. You don’t need to berate yourself for the thought, or argue with it, just gently accept it and it will disappear. You can even transform negative thoughts into helpful affirmations. Take your worst, most persistent negative thought and write it down. Now switch it around to create a positive affirmation. You may be thinking ‘I will never find another partner’. Change this to ‘the right relationship is on its way to me’. Minding the Gap Your relationship probably took up a great deal of your time, time that you now have to spare. Instead of sitting alone, make the most of this opportunity to change your life. Join classes, or try new activities that you previously didn’t have time for. You could also turn your attention to your future and begin planning goals for the next chapter of your life. Avoiding the Blame Game You may be blaming yourself, or criticising your ex-partner for what has happened. Neither of these approaches are helpful, and both will make you feel worse. Acknowledge the part you both played in the breakup. Take responsibility for your mistakes and learn from them. The self awareness you gain will help you in future relationships. Consider Seeking Help After a Breakup If you are having difficulty recovering from a breakup consider seeking professional help. With the guidance and support of a trained divorce counselling professional you can move out of the pain of your break up and into the excitement and joy of your new life. No matter the length or type of the relationship, I can help. Download my tips on how to help when going through a relationship breakdown here. Get Over a Breakup with Counselling If you’d like to learn more about how I can help you please do get in touch. Do you need help? Break ups are hard and there’s no shame in needing help to move on. Don’t waste time struggling when you could start the next chapter of your life today. Book Now Further Reading on Recovering from a Breakup How to move on from a relationship Online hypnotherapy for relationship problems Dealing with divorce and learning to thrive Online Hypnotherapy 8 Steps Towards Detaching from an Ex
Are You Always Playing The ‘Rescuer’ In Relationships?
Helping others is, of course, an admirable quality. But, for those who thrive on the drama of playing the rescuer, it can be extremely detrimental. It can be a damaging dynamic in relationships, for both the rescuer themselves and their partner. What is the rescuer personality type? Someone with the rescuer personality type is driven to help other people, even at the expense of their own wellbeing. What do rescuers thrive on? People with a rescuer personality type thrive on the stress of drama but also the close connections and bonds created through helping another person. They want to feel needed and essential to another’s wellbeing. The feeling of caring for another person to this extent often replaces something they have been missing themselves, or distracts from a larger issue. What are the signs of a rescuer personality? Giving more than you takeA sense of self that depends on helping othersA strong desire to ‘fix’ peopleFeeling you understand people’s issues and how to resolve themLow self esteemBeing drawn to people who really need youA pattern of toxic or destructive relationshipsA possible history of abandonment or toxic caretakers such as abusive or alcoholic parentsTending to become unhealthily obsessed with other people and their troublesIdealising people in needA tendency to be overly controllingOften taking the role of ‘parent’ in a relationshipPartners often becoming overly dependentRelationships can become co-dependant What is rescuer syndrome (or white knight syndrome)? Rescuer or ‘white knight’ syndrome can be seen in both males and females but might present a little differently. Many males feel the desire to rescue a ‘damsel in distress’ and may tend to seek out women who they perceive as vulnerable or in distress. This can be destructive for a relationship. Often, the person does not need or want rescuing. If they do, what happens once they have been ‘rescued’? Does the rescuer lose interest in the relationship once they feel their task has been achieved? Or do they constantly try and invent new ways to rescue the other person? What causes the desire to rescue others? There are many things which can cause someone to fixate on the need to rescue others over their own wellbeing. Finding the cause of the rescuer syndrome is key in releasing yourself from it. For many people early childhood experiences can cultivate a strong desire to help people. For others, it can be a reaction to trauma or feelings of low self-worth. What drives the rescuer personality? Rescuers are often driven by the desire to be needed. They seem to give without ever asking for anything in return. It is true that helping others can be beneficial to our own health. Many people volunteer or throw themselves into charity work if they feel depressed. It can be a great source of happiness. Other people may help others as a way of avoiding unhappiness within themselves or because they themselves wish to be rescued. Rescuers want to be rewarded for their efforts. To be loved and appreciated, but because of the type of people they tend to try and rescue their efforts can go unrewarded. What are the dangers of being a rescuer? Although helping others is, of course, an admirable trait, when this desire dominates a person’s existence to the extent that it interferes with their own health and happiness it can be unhelpful. There is a danger that rescuing behaviour in a relationship can turn into overly controlling or manipulative behaviour. You may be overly attracted to troubled people who may need more help than you can give such as people with significant trauma, addictions or a history of abuse or infidelity. It can be stressful to want to help someone who does not want your help or cannot make the changes you want. There’s a danger of an unhealthy dynamic forming in a relationship when one person has a rescuer personality. Sometimes it can lead to traits of a co-dependent relationship developing. Sometimes the ‘rescued’ person is unable to reciprocate with the love and appreciation that the rescuer wants. Or, the ‘rescuer’ is in denial about the extent of control the other person has over their destructive behaviour. They may forgive undesirable behaviours too easily. What can I do to stop rescuing people? It depends what’s causing your rescuing behaviour. Do you need to heal your abandonment issues or past trauma? Or take a look at your relationship patterns and learn to thrive in a new type of partnership. Alternatively, you might need to build your self-esteem or find a purpose in life that doesn’t depend so much on the behaviour of others. Take back control of your own health and happiness and rescue the one person you can truly help –yourself. If you’d like to learn more about how hypnotherapy can help with any of the issues outlined above please do get in touch. Sessions can take place in my London hypnotherapy clinic or online. I’m happy to offer a no-obligation initial consultation to answer any questions you might have. Enquire Now Further Reading Online Hypnotherapy for Relationships Couples Counselling Online Couples Therapy Break Free from an Unhealthy Relationship
Break Free from an Unhealthy Relationship
Unhealthy relationships can be extremely hard to end. The very nature of them makes people feel insecure, trapped and helpless. You need to muster all your courage and plan carefully in order to leave a relationship like this. Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship Controlling or manipulative behaviourCo-dependent relationshipViolenceAnxiety or depressionFearGuiltConstant fightingAvoidance of the other personJealousy, insecurity and lack of trust Changing an Unhealthy Relationship If you recognise a lot of these in your relationship it may be that you are in a destructive or unhealthy relationship. If you both want to try and maintain the relationship, couples counselling or relationship coaching can help you work out your issues. If things have progressed beyond this stage, it could be time to end the relationship. Trust your gut and make the decision that’s right for you. How to Break Free Once you know you’re in an unhealthy relationship and have made up your mind to leave you need to focus and plan carefully. Think of all the reasons you want to leave These could include increased freedom, improved confidence, enjoying friends and family, less anxiety. Plan what you’ll say Keep it short and don’t feel like you have to list all the reasons. Try to keep calm and matter of fact. Be prepared and be firm in your delivery. Stay aware of manipulation. Plan how you’ll say it Choose your time carefully. Don’t choose a time when either of you have been drinking or in the middle of a very stressful event. Keep your distance and don’t give in to controlling contact. If things are really bad it might be that you prefer to leave a note rather than face the person directly. Consider practicalities If you live together or have a lot of things at their house consider how you’ll get your belongings and where you’ll stay. Have something in place beforehand so you aren’t stranded. Pack your belongings first if possible or, if you have to go back and get them afterwards, consider taking some friends to help. Don’t tell the other person where you’re going, it’s important you are able to be alone. Mourn Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, break-ups can still be tough. End the relationship in your mind before you end it with the other person. Then allow yourself time to mourn but reassure yourself that you’ve made the right choice for you. Avoid contact Once you’re free avoid contact with the other person. Give yourself time to adjust and don’t be tempted to go back. Seek comfort Get support from trusted friends and family. Stay busy and remember what used to make you happy – work, hobbies etc. Stand back After a while, when you look at how far you’ve come, you’ll realise how much happier you are. Be proud of yourself for making this move and make a promise to yourself to try and avoid this type of relationship in the future. You may want to get some support if you feel yourself repeatedly attracted to destructive relationships. Hypnotherapy is a very effective tool for tackling subconscious issues such as this. Relationship Coaching and Hypnotherapy for Unhealthy Relationships As an experienced couples therapist I have worked with many different types of relationship. Whatever your issues, relationship coaching or hypnotherapy can help you make positive changes. Contact me to learn more about how I can help or to arrange a free consultation. I can offer a free, no-obligation consultation and sessions either face to face in my London hypnotherapy clinic or via online hypnotherapy. BOOK NOW Further Reading on Unhealthy Relationships Managing Anger In Relationships What is Love Bombing and Why is it Bad? How To Deal With Abusive Relationships How to Move on from a Relationship Should I End My Relationship?
What is Love Bombing and Why is it Bad?
What is Love Bombing? Love Bombing is a term used to describe a behaviour present in some relationships characterised by excessive attention and over the top displays of affection. Whilst this can be nice occasionally, love bombing refers to the practice of using excessive loving words, actions and behaviour to control or manipulate someone. It can feel suffocating. Or, you might not see the harm until later when you realise the actions came out of a desire to control or win you over to achieve a goal, rather than genuine affection. It can be a form of emotional abuse and causes great relationship issues. Occasionally, it is done unintentionally due to a person’s insecurities and need for reassurance. Love Bombing as a Distraction Sometimes love bombing is a way of one person distracting from other bad behaviours. They might know they are doing something wrong but, when pressed on the issue, will say how well they treat you because of all these lavish displays. It can be a way of exerting control or hiding their negative behaviour from outside eyes. Control Tactics Love Bombing is often used as a means of control by toxic people. The more they shower you with affection and attention, the more in debt you might feel to them. It can make you feel dependant and obligated. You might start to lose your independence and balance. It may also alienate you from friends and family. People who display love bombing behaviour usually want to quickly gain control in a relationship. They tend to move very fast, seeking to exert control, gain power and boost their ego. What Are the Signs of Love Bombing? Excessive gift giving and wanting to ‘spoil you’Constant compliments24/7 attention and check ins Very quickly saying you are ‘meant to be’ or ‘soulmates’ Extremely quick to commit and expecting the same in return Lack of boundariesIntense and overwhelming The Dangers of Love Bombing The dangers of love bombing are that it makes the dynamics of a relationship very one sided. One person tends to gain all the power and the other can find themselves feeling at a loss. They might experience a lack of identity or feel powerless. Issues they want to address or discuss may get pushed to the side because of all the distraction of these grand gestures and displays of love. They start to feel like they have no right to ask for what they want, as the other person is already giving them so much. Unfortunately what they are getting is often not what they want or need. There’s no real communication or give and take. Another danger of love bombing is that it often comes at the beginning of a relationship and presents a false, idealised version of a partner who later becomes controlling and abusive once they feel secure. People can suddenly switch from love bombing to devaluing and criticising a partner. Love Bombers use constant, positive reinforcement to encourage a positive association towards a person (that’s often false). It also preys on our feelings of reciprocity. Even if the gifts or behaviours are not asked for we feel we owe an equal amount of love or loyalty in return. Once a love bomber feels like they have gained complete control they may gradually start to exhibit negative behaviours like gaslighting, anger and abuse. How to Handle It and When to Seek Help If you feel uncomfortable you might start by trying to communicate this and seeing if you can set some boundaries. It’s possible that the person has past relationship issues that cause them to feel insecure or uncertain and this is their way of trying to limit those negative feelings. Some couples therapy might be a good way to talk through each person’s preferences and limits. If things have already taken a turn for the worse towards abusive or controlling behaviour, you are probably better out of the relationship altogether. Seek support if needed. If you need help with love bombing behaviour, working through your feelings or moving on from a difficult relationship please do get in touch. I help many clients and couples with a full range of complicated relationship issues. Sessions can take place in person from my London clinic or through online hypnotherapy. Whichever suits you best. Book Now Read More Couples Counselling Online – The New Way Forward for Modern Couples Online Hypnotherapy for Relationship Issues How to Move on From a Relationship Break Free from an Unhealthy Relationship Relationship Coaching
Gaslighting in Relationships: How to Spot & Stop It
Dealing with gaslighting in relationships is something I help many clients with. It’s a term that’s just recently started to be commonly used but the behaviour has been around for much longer. The term gaslighting comes from a play and movie called ‘Gaslight’ where a manipulative husband convinces her wife she is going mad. What is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is a dynamic present in some relationships where one person continually questions or denies another person’s reality until they begin to question it themselves. It is often seen in romantic relationships but can also be seen in friendships, professional situations and in parenting. Gaslighting causes you to question your own memory, perception and judgement. It can leave you feeling confused about the world and your own understanding of events and the world around you. At it’s most severe it can even cause you to question your own sanity. Is Gaslighting Abuse? Gaslighting is a form of manipulation. It definitely can be a type of emotional and mental abuse. As with all behaviour, it takes place on a spectrum. If gaslighting behaviours are starting to creep in to your relationship with someone, it should be dealt with as early as possible. It’s an unhealthy dynamic. If they do not realise what they are doing, something like couples therapy could help them change the way they interact with you. Other times, the behaviours are deeply ingrained and the relationship has become damaging and toxic. Gaslighting in relationships can definitely be a form of abuse. Once you realise what gaslighting is you can start to understand why it is causing you to feel the way you do. Only then can you start to unravel the damage that’s been done to your own wellbeing. The definition of gaslighting focuses on three things which a person may cause you to question. They are your memory, perception and judgement. Memory Gaslighters may deny that things happened even if you have proof. They will question or completely refute your memory of events. They may insist you have completely forgotten things that happened or claim that your memory is failing you. Perception Similarly to memory, your perception of events may be questioned. Your understanding of things, your feelings or your perception of another’s actions may all be questioned. It’s difficult because these can be abstract concepts and you have a right to your own understanding of the world and your reality. No one else has the right to insist that you are wrong, or that your perception is always flawed. Some healthy discussion and sharing of views can be useful, but gaslighters will steamroll over any type of discussion, insisting that you are always at fault. Judgement Victims of gaslighting start to question their own sense of judgment which leaves them feeling unsure of themselves and their sense of self. If you start to feel that you can’t trust your own judgement, you can be very easily controlled by someone else. Why is Gaslighting so Damaging? Gaslighting is so damaging in a relationship because it causes a very uneven power dynamic. In order for one person to gain the upper hand, the other person has to submit their power. Gaslighting causes a person to become so unsure of themselves and the situation, that they no longer defend themselves. They may spend a lot of time in their own heads and often experience anxiety, depression and low self esteem. Even after moving on from this relationship, it can take a while for someone to regain their confidence and self belief. Examples of Gaslighting What are some examples of gaslighting behaviour in a relationship? Denying that certain events or conversations ever happened (even when you’re sure they did)Attacking your mental state, memory or emotional stabilityOutright lying and refusal to budgeTurning others against youCalling you confused, paranoid, overreacting, crazy, forgetful, sensitive etc. Dismissing your point of view or feelings completely Backtracking or saying ‘I was only joking’ and claiming you misunderstood Gaslighting Red Flags How does gaslighting feel? These are the red flags which might suggest that you’re the victim of gaslighting in your relationship. You often feel powerless and confusedYou apologise without really knowing what forYou constantly edit your languageYou are often dismissed as ‘over-sensitive’, ‘crazy’ or ‘over-reacting’You are often made to feel small or ashamedYou feel misunderstood and attackedYou constantly question yourselfYou feel the need to seek proof of your sanity or situations Gaslighting and Infidelity Gaslighting is commonly seen in relationships where infidelity is an issue. When someone is trying to cover up or hide something, the easiest way can often be to make the other person question their own mind. Then, no matter what they observe or become suspicious of, it’s easily brushed away by claiming they are ‘paranoid’ or ‘crazy’. Although the cheating party may see this an effective way of protecting themselves, it is damaging the injured party twice over. How to Respond to Gaslighting It can be extremely difficult to deal with gaslighting in a way that doesn’t either escalate the situation or leave you feeling like a victim. Your response may well depend on the nature of the relationship and the severity of the behaviours and their effect on you. The important thing with gaslighting is to focus on regaining your own confidence and sense of self. Take some space and time to realise how the gaslighting made you feel and how this may have affected your past and future behaviour. If the relationship’s ended, you may want to seek some help to gain some closure, reprogram your mind and re-establish your mental wellbeing. This is something I can definitely help with. In the moment, you might try: Letting the person know you won’t stand for their behaviour any longerAsking them to explain ‘the joke’ if they often say ‘I was only joking’Refuse to engage in arguments where they are over criticizing or lyingTry phrases like ‘we clearly remember things differently’, ‘I’m not going to engage whilst you are talking to me like this’, […]